episode 1


Barney arrives to work late. Everything at the facility seems to be malfunctioning, which only makes him more late. After the long transit ride, he finally gets to his department, where he gets his vest and helmet. He's been tasked with helping some people whos lift isn't working. Barney ignores this and goes to get his gun. After demonstrating his decent shooting skills, he figures he should go do his actual job.


Wait for it...

BARNEY, ECHOING TRANSIT VOICE: Good morning, and welcome to the Black Mesa transit system. This automated train is provided for the comfort and convience of the Black Mesa residents and visitors to the Black Mesa research facility. [NOISE]

TRANSIT VOICE: The time is 8:42 am.

BARNEY: 8:42?! Damn! I'm gonna be over an hour late by the time I start my shift. Shit. What if they don't notice? I'll sneak in there. I'll be like ninja! [NINJA NOISE]

BARNEY, MOCK DEEP VOICE: Ugh! Barney! You're late!

No I'm not! Smack!

Heh heh. I wonder what would happen if I bitch-slapped the guy at the desk. That'd be awesome.

Topside... man, they were so unoriginal about naming things around here. Area 8! Area 9! Hi-[CUT-OFF GREETING]... whatever.

Man they have an arcade in there?! Damn. We don't even have magazines in the laundry room back in the barracks. Bastards. That's about as fair as playing in a Counter-Strike tournament with your monitor turned off and the mouse glued to the mousepad.

TRANSIT VOICE: Disabled passengers should be evacuated first.

Heh, yeah. Mentally disabled passengers. Actually, y'know what? That's kind of a stupid rule. So, if the tram's on fire, we all have to wait for the guy in the wheelchair to get out. So everybody burns to death... except for the guy in the wheelchair. I don't know about you, but that doesn't seem to be promoting the greater good. Greater good of me that is. Argh.

Oh looK! A big platform about 50 feet above the ground! But it's got no handrails. I wonder if this is gonna be a reoccuring theme.

AH! Shit! Thought we're gonna crash. Damn! Yeah, keep on tapping your foot dude. Couldn't wait the five seconds for the tram to go through. No, you had to make it come to a screeching halt, almost throwing me out the front window--- agh! Man, what the hell. These scientists think they own the damn place. Oh well. I still have a better job. I mean, they have to do the work. I just get to sit around all day, hah!

Oh no, not this guy.

OTIS: Hey, Calhoun!

BARNEY: Hello, butt nugget!

OTIS: Looks like we're in for a long day today.

BARNEY: Riiight...

OTIS: Have a good one, Calhoun.

BARNEY: Man, that guy needs to lose some weight. I don't know about him, but I had to pass a fitness test before I got hired. Sheesh.

Ugh. This tram ride is sooo long... [SINGS JEOPARDY WAITING THEME]

Man, they need to fix that light. Look at that thing, it'll give me an epileptic seizure down here. Augh.

[GLASS BULB BREAKING SOUND] What the hell? Man this place is falling apart. I mean, where the hell is maintenance? I don't even think we have a maintenance department. If we do, I never see 'em.

Ugh. At least I'm here. Oh, and look! The platform has no handrails. I could fall off. Hah. Black Mesa, you're a lawsuit waiting to happen. I mean, they'll put 'hot coffee' on a cup of coffee, but they won't give us handrails. Thanks.

Now, open up. [BEEP OF DENIAL] Uhhh, no. Come on, door, open up.

VOICE: Hold on a minute. The door's not responding to your pass ID.

BARNEY: Yeah, I noticed!

VOICE: Let me see if I can get it open on this side.


GORDON: Suckerrrrrrr!

BARNEY: What the hell? Man, I'll kill you! I think I know that guy... yeah, I don't even--- I mean, what would happen if you fell down? Assuming it didn't kill you. How do you get up? What-? Urggh.. I don't care anymore.


Thank yooou!

GUARD: Sorry about that, Calhoun.

BARNEY: Yeah, you better be!

GUARD: We've got problems all over the facility this morning.

BARNEY: If I get fired, I'm blaming it on you.

GUARD: It's a wonder this whole place hasn't shut down yet.

BARNEY: Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. Wasn't I just thinking about that?

Uhh... I'm hungry. Mhhhh, yeah screw it. You know what? If I'm gonna be late, I'm gonna be late and have some Doritos.

..They're out of Doritos! Man, I don't want Sunchips... uhh... I guess we'll just have some soda. [SODA TAB OPENING] [SIP] Ah, that's good. Now only if it was a beer. Ooh! Maybe if I get some vodka and put it in a water bottle and people just think it's water. Ohh, I'm so doing that tomorrow!

Okay, now let's find out if we're fired or not. Uhh... training! Plasma globes! And handshakes. Whatever.

GUARD: Nice of you to show up this morning, Calhoun.

BARNEY: Yeah, screw you.

GUARD: Yeah, yeah, I know. Problems with the access system.

BARNEY: Oh, you knew about it, but you didn't fix it. Thanks buddy. Agh. Well. I'm not fired. At least, he didn't tell I was fired. Well, he's not really management though so I supposed he couldn't really fire me if he wanted to. Maybe I won't hear about it 'till tomorrow. Shit. Well... at least for today I'm not fired.

The locker... aw man, I drank all my beer. I need some new books. At least I have a hot girlfriend. Yeah, you know you'd bang her.

Ewgh. Out of order. Locked. I wonder what they did to it. Yeah-- why do we even have a first-aid kit in here anyway? I mean, what's gonna happen? Someone gets stuck in the toilet?

BARNEY, MOCK-DRAMATIC VOICE: Quick! Get the guaze! Oh no, we don't have a first-aid kit! He's doomed!

GUARD: Uh-oh, now what?

BARNEY: Yeah, now what?

GUARD: Looks like some people are having problems with the main access lift in Sector G

BARNEY: Okay..?

GUARD: Why don't you go over there and see what you can do?

BARNEY: [STUTTERING] Why don't you go over there and see what you can do? What---? Do I look like maintenance? What's your problem?

SCIENTIST: I can't answer my mail. I haven't even been able to get into my office.

BARNEY: Uhhh, no!

GUARD: I know, Sir, I know. We're doing---

BARNEY, CUTTING HIM OFF: No you don't. He just told you.

GUARD: ---everything we can to get the problem under control. Just give us some time to---

SCIENTIST: Time? I don't have anymore time. If I don't get my report to the administrator---

BARNEY: At least you're not late.

SCIENTIST: ---in the next hour, then my job will be in serious jeopardy, and I'll make sure that mine is not the only one.

BARNEY: Man, what a prick! [FLUSTERED STUTTERING]... we're not I.T.! We're not maintenance! Why am I going to help people and why are you trying to fix his computer in his office? What the hell.


BARNEY: Ugh. I wish something exciting would happen today. This place is about as boring as Bob Ross painting polar bears during a blizzard on a black-and-white TV. Heh. I bet most people these days don't even remember who Bob Ross is. That guy was like the most infamous famous person.

Hey. Wake up!

GUARD: How's it going?

BARNEY: You don't really care how my day is going, do you?

GUARD: Here you go, Calhoun.

BARNEY: Thank you!

GUARD: I know you're not on the schedule for a couple more days, but if you want to squeeze in a few shots in the range, there's plenty of room.

BARNEY: Ehh... don't mind if I do! I like shooting stuff. It's about the only perk of this job. That, and I suppose I work in an underground lab. That's kind if a cool way to meet babes I suppose. But all the babes are in the biology department. Man... that --- oh, nice shot!

Yeah. Ooh, ammo! More Ammo! Ehh.. hi? No, I don't want your donut. You can keep it, really. I'm all good. Thanks. Die, sucker! Take that! Aha! Man, I rule! Yeah! Let's see how I did. Oh yeah, you're so dead.


Yeah. Eh... I guess I'll go help those people. I don't even remember what was wrong with them. Uh... elevator? Or.. was it some stairs? Um... uh whatever. I'll figure it out. Maybe they need me to put in a handrail.

character facts

  • he might have echolalia, or he simply likes to repeat things he hears
  • he says "man, I'll kill you!" which is something Gordon has said, implying they either copy eachother's speech patterns or at least hang out in some capacity
  • he knows of Counter-Strike, implying he might play it
  • he has a girlfriend who he considers hot
  • he speaks quickly and tends to mumble and stutter
  • he's decent with a gun
  • he doesn't like Sunchips
  • he seems borderline alcoholic