email ∙ 2023 [music]
a frozen swell engulfs the body, pulling it under its frigid wave
the light distorts on the face, refracting the surface into fractals of white
soaked to the bone, the tongue dries, unable to push out a further syllable
gnawing, gnawing, gnawing at fingers and wrists and arms, chewtoys collecting saliva
picking, picking, picking at the rashes and pimples and scabs, wiping the blood on the shirt, and picking some more
the clock ticks forward at a pace unbelievable, yet the mind remains stuck in place
it's hell, but worse, because there is mindlessness in infinite torture;
we bring this upon ourselves
bite until it bleeds
the bullet is too merciful a death
eye lids heavy, the blue light stings
why does your chest feel so restricted?
it's such a simple thing to worry about
the brain cries, they hate me they hate me they hate me!
a cruel thing you are, a forgetful, neglectful thing!
how could you? you monster!
tears gathering
it's such a simple thing to worry about
is it normal to feel this fear? exhaustion? aversion?
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Why is this so difficult?
Why do you want to throw up?
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Hurl yourself at the wall. Feel your teeth chip and nose bleed. Keep doing it. It'll be different this time. I promise. Keep doing it. Keep doing it. Keep doing it. Keep doing it. Keep doing it. Keep doing it. Keep doing it. Keep doing it. Keep doing it. Keep doing it. Keep doing it. Keep doing it. Keep doing it. Keep doing it. Keep doing it. Keep doing it. Keep doing it. Keep doing it. Keep doing it. Keep doing it. Keep doing it. Keep doing it.