2024
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2022
tired, defeated, frustration spoken through clenched teeth. if thoughts are neutral, why must they be so vile? so drenched in hatred and jealousy you feel your soul turning rotten. you feel wrong for thinking or feeling these things, and you scold yourself and swallow it down. they stem from insecurity, from percieved inadequacy. and you are helpless to do anything but get better. and you try to get better, but you lack the discipline and time and it makes you want to knock your head against the wall until you have a minor concussion. does everyone else feel cruel? does everyone else have anxious bouts and insecurities fester in their chest like poisons, whispering in your ear lies to put you down? it's you, but seperate, your mind hosting another concept that sweetly suggests you lash out to everyone you see. don't let it win. it wants you to be mean and cold and closed off. don't let it win. you're tired and feel defeated. that's alright. keep going. you're not evil for your thoughts. just keep being kind, and when that's too hard, try your best to not let it take you over. sometimes you can fake it till you make it, and sometimes there is no making it, and the fakeness last forever. and that's okay too. it's the effort that counts and we are trying. you're trying. trying to improve, trying to be good, because it all takes effort, and you're trying, but it feels like you're not doing enough, and maybe you aren't. maybe this is the best you can do. and that's alright.
i will burn my own alexandria
just as i have done before
and there will be no regrets
nor the passing thought
and the rain can settle the flames
and we will rebuild
like we always have
"Holy shit! Two cakes!"