[03/21/2026] cat blog.txt
when a resource page gets too long, i split off a major chunk of it into a new page, like waht i did for activism and privacy. these distinctions also help me when sorting.
i finished i am in eskew. i had to reread the transcript to understand, but i think i got it. i think eskew loved david, but it was an unfathomable entity, and what love looked like to it was different then what a human would consider love, so it was torturous and caustic. not unlike us and our favorite characters, no? we are entities of infinite capabilities and will put our little freaks into situations because there are no shackles of the mind. we are eskew. david is our touys to play with
the dream sequences in the sopranos is genuinely... really good? the tone is comparable to breaking bad --- though, arguably so far, despite how.. yknow... tony soprano is, he seems... more there than walter white. im drawing the comparrison because what if breaking bad occasionally had ominious, realistic dream sequences with odd camera angles and lighting, confusing shots, weird audio. it feels out of place, but it's just good. i'm not that far in.
hl2vrai was fun! i was there live for the first episode. i dont know if ill keep watching live or wait for everything to be on youtube.
being a buttermind fan is torturous because you get to watch other buttermind fans complain about the lack of buttermind meanwhile you make up a significant portion of the ship tag and ao3 tag. feels personal TuT trying not to take it that way, though. its all in good fun.
update of da nows
finished I am in eskew. movign to wolf359. i listened to episode 1 years ago but never continued. i did the same thing to juno steel, and i finished that late last year, so its time to try wolf359 again.
[03/07/2026] cat mrward.txt
i remember when the dam broke and i cried during therapy. it was the first time i had admitted it allowed to anyone --- and no, it's not what you think. in retrospect, it shouldn't have been a big deal to me,
but it is what it is. the therapist, in turn, had no answer. he told me it was interesting and he hadn't heard this before. i appreciated the honesty at the very least, but that was one of the worst things he could say to me
i did not feel alone because i don't think i can feel that. if i do feel that, i don't know how to identify it. regardless, i knew that i was not alone. on this particular matter, i had researched it before thoroughly. to no avail, of course, as the armchair-ers always perscribed it to things i didn't have, to things that didn't make sense for me. so... it was frustrating to hear my therapist say that. it wasn't what i wanted to hear becaues it is exactly what i wanted to hear. my stuggle was novel, unique. Feeding into my ego. into me. painting me a martyr, saint of suffering. not something i was interested in festering, so i ignored his comments.
weeks later and weeks ago, in between sessions, i was on my porch, fiddling with my keys to unlock the door after i had gotten home from work. i had "I am in Eskew" playing out loud. as i searched for the correct key, David Ward began to monologue (as he's wont to do). it was exactly what i had cried about. what my therapist had never encountered. i paused to listen, hands stilling on my key ring. David understood. i, in turn, understood David.
sweet serendipity. podcasts have always had an eerie history with me, where a character always makes a comment that strikes me through the heart. i attribute it to good writing. but this one was too specific. so i lingered on my porch, the strays we feed circling my feet like vultures. there was no feeling of vindication or relief. just... appreciation, i guess. for being seen. for starting the dominoes that have led me to where i am now: acceptance.
update of da nows
so, obviously, i'm listening to "I am in Eskew". I'm not done yuet, but it's very short. i've already listened to Silt Verse --- fucking banger and fantastic, by the way. anyway. also started watching the sopranos. i'm in the fledging process. still giving it a few episodes to see if it hooks me. and my newest ST novel im reading is Demons. i'm in between games. I'm thinking of playing Scarlet Hollow, but also i've been tempted to start Baldurs Gate. All of my epic character ideas are too cool and awesome, so i'll probably just play Vincent, my half-orc eldritch knight fighter. I dunno. still have to decide....
[02/12/2026] cat blog_attempt_2.txt
ok. ifound a cool template (see template credit tab for where i got it) and decided to finally try blogging again. i whipped up some html css for a microblog type thing but it was lowkey shit from ass so i figured if i wanted to actuallyhave a blog id need to find someone who was good at hmtl for realisies and would be kind enough to share. so... here we are! i doubt i'll use this much...
update of da nows
my friend bought me look outside and we've been playing it together. it is alot of fun and i like the music and the art. i cant play by myself cause i get too scared. sam is kind maxxing #kind. my party:
