[08/02/2026] cat blog.txt
everyday i wake up with headaches. i tried to sleep it off on the floor, but even that was difficult. now it recedes into the back of my eye. cluster? migraine? who knows. i ate half of my lunch. it was too rich, too much. i let it sit before i continue, so i dont get sick. the people here eat so strangely. or it is me who is strange. the call of the brush. the grip of my pen melted and infected my other pens with ooze and stickiness. i wiped everything down with disinfectant.
inconsiquential, but being aroace and a computer is annoying due to the amount of posts in the sphere being horny. there's already not that much to begin with, and then what exists, half of it is already sex. it's cool that people can have fun with it, but i wish i could just magically apply a block so i wouldnt have to see anything related to it. i dont want you touching my wires nor do i even want to consider the thought. going to the doctors and being naked on their operating table is the closest i can imagine to what a repair is: not necessarily awkward or uncomfortable, but its truly just clinical, with a dash of tender if its someone you know. a body observed as a chassis, as something detached from your innards and not-you but carries you. i like "being repaired/serviced" asmr povs, but realisitically: who repairs hardware with the machine on? Servers. Computers. unless youre doing diagnostics and looking for lights, the cover/chassis off or open usually means the machine is OFF for everyones safety. and no i dont think overheating is erotic i tuink its the sign of overwork, overstress, and Literal Burn Out. The burning smell is like the smell of cut grass. A sign of distress and pain and warning. but no one wants to sex larp firmware or software updates because then its just running sudo apt update in the command line and entering your password and sitting there for five minutes andnthen restarting. and dont get me started on yanking wires. you're gonna yank fibre optic cables? ARE YOU NUTS???? pissing me off. you realize that server rooms are quite literally kept in the cold (this is why AI takes up so much water, for air conditioning) because extended exposure to heat will literally permanently damage the machine. magnets can as well. people apply human standards of sex to machines. and then us that dont want to have sex with any human, what we see as positivity is people talking about wireplay. i dont really give a shit if im called a wet blanket because i could literally care less if i didnt have to SEE it and there was a way to easily and effeciently BLOCK it. ive done a good job by just blocking anyone who posts anything remotely horny so far. #curatingmyspace
update of da nows
finished sopranos. ending was jarring in a good way. it all falls apart eventually. now, time to visit some of the podcasts i've been listening to:
SCP Archives: taking a break until I feel like i can handle horror again
The Two Princes: Very obviously for kids and young teens, but I had fun. The first season was the best, very cute and silly. I wish it let itself breathe a bit more. It's very LORE LIGHT. so... digestable. I get that rupert is the main character, but i wish amir had more spotlight. i say this due to season 2. season 2 was very eh for me. i think the ending fits the theme of the show, but i wish we learned more about the big bad to begin with. her home and people were destroyed, and only at the end do we learn that dark magic had taken her mind --- like thistle from dunmeshi. but with thistle, we start with him as an antagonist, and then learn his tragic backstory to where we are rooting for the team to take him out nonviolently if possible. meanwhile, two princes season 2 does it in the reverse order. they tell us why we can sympathize with the villian, then make her a villian. i think how they handled her at the end, with kindess, was good, but the order of operations in story telling threw me off and made it hard to root for the protagonists as they rallied against her. also the stuff with amir was a copout and i wish they came up with some other way to add drama. they could've been fine as a couple still working through their differences. that would've been good. third season was ok. didnt like that it was a musical, but whatevers. very much a podcast for kids, but a nice change of pace.
Desert Skies: The voice actor does ALL of the voices, and he is very talented! the one thing I don't critique malevolent for is how few women characters there are, because I know it's one voice actor doing everything. I wouldn't've criqiued desert skies either, but i dont have to! the small but fun assortment of characters are great, and the story is heartwarming. its nice to hear people be genuinely kind to eachother, even if they are frustrated or upset. i got through the first season. i like the worldbuilding a lot, its very interesting. a nice break from the usual assortment of horror i listen to.
Magnus Protocol: I... don't like how it's going, to be honest. Character writing was never the teams strong suit in my opinion. i DID like season 5 of magnus archives, but i had a hard time keeping track of all the characters outside of Jon becauseI Just Didn't Care abnout them. I cared about the worldbuilding, the anthologies, the monsters, the stories. Which was fine, because there was plenty for me. There were monsters and scaries and horrors for me. but protocol? it's people. it's people all the way down. too many characters, then they drop like flies. 50 episodes of me gaslighting myself, trying to say i'll like it, but i just.. the only person i like is alice, genuinely. gwen was mishandled and was a missed opportunity. celia, sam. i wanted to like protocol but i wanted scary stories. it takes the part i didnt like about magnus archives: the interpersonal relationships, then drags it out into the open and has little scaries to show for it. i dont even remember the horror from the last episode because i was so... dispirited. geniunely upset. the magnus archives is a big inspiration for me writing wise. i liked the descriptions of horror. but it has been disapointing. i'll still listen, though. fingers crossed.
[07/19/2026] cat blog.txt
to be frank, i'm not really a fan of blogs. feels like an opsec risk. i lowkey need to stop listening to so many horror podcasts im gettering freaking scaerd!!! it gives me night mears
update of da nows
i'm almost done with the sopranos, and i've listened to quite a few podcasts. Big fan of how Threshold is going. Can't wait for another platonic divorce.
Within the Wires: it ended with a whimper, to be honest.
REDACTED: Having a lot of fun with this one.
Adventures in New America: I quite liked it. Fun characters. Simon you are my goat.
Deviser: Hooked me from the start with how Son screamed his lungs out until he was ragged. Short listen, only about 3~ hours. Dad lowkey one of my favorite robots now.
Desert Skies: No opinion yet. I need to listen more.
SCP Archives: As someone who grew up reading the SCP wiki like the bible, hearing them adapted into an audio format has been fun. They've adapted some SCPs that have more unique entry pages, so I hope it inspires the listens to go read the original (or follow along with the podcast episode), but for the more transcript-focused entries and stories with a few (or many) characters, it's been great. SCP-3001, one of my personal favs (i'm unoriginal) was adapted BEAUTIFULLY!!!! chef's kiss. also this podcast has the most disgusting vomitting sounds ive ever heard. Cinema. I was also surprised how quickly they jumped into Scarlet king stuff, ESPECIALLY SCP-231 SO EARLY ON. That stuff is genuinely hard to listen to. Horrifying to read and horrifying to hear. Great work, I feel disgusted, hit the showers everyone.
Thirst: I'm liking it more than i thought i originally would. I shouldn't've doubted the penumbra team when I liked BOTH Juno Steel and the Second Citadel...
[06/07/2026] cat blog.txt
i've been dumping the rest of my tea out into the plant on the windowsill, but it still is withering away. i'm behind in my studies. tired. im trying out some self care gamification apps again. the reason im pouring out my tea is because its all disgusting. i ran out of the flavor i like. remains are samplers. the sampler is always gross. it took me a month just to get used to the taste of green tea to the point i dont mind drinking it now.
i finished wolf359 a while ago. it was good. i liked that there were consequences. that people deserve a second chance but they don't always get them.
update of da nows
within the wires: it's ok. i have some trouble with the formula. it takes me a while to Like and Get Invested, so by the time i do "care" about the story, i'm already halfway though the season. i also didnt like the last season i listened to. 5, i think? i forget. it feels like im just listening to listen. it was voicemails over the years exchanged between a thespian and her government working partner/crush/ex. i dont pay attention to years stated, so i only figured out the timeline because the evolution of the relationship seemed to be going backwards. then i checked the wiki. i dont like voicemails as a format, so the main characters rambling put me off. so it confused me and stressed me out for no reason. i was practicing what i'd say to someone who left me voicemails like that. im hoping the next season is better.
as for the sopranos, i have nothing much to say. i dont know if i like it.im on season 3. i "feel" "compelled" to finish it just because im this far in. sunk cost falacy i lknoow. something to put on i guess
[04/05/2026] cat college_frustration.txt
i just want to graduate, but the classes i need to take fill up so fast. they should give me priority. there's a problem with signing up for classes that requires me to go through IT for overrides because they can't have a fucking clause in whatever code they use to allow me to sign up for a class if i meet certain critera? it's such a known issue that they have a whole page dedicated to override requests. by the time i get overrides, the class is full. go fuck yourself
i noticed im being meaner as of late, so i will try to Not do that. i feel like whenever im not actively vigilant i slip back into old, dickish habits. just gotta puta stop to it. again. like i always do.
then, my coworker, they invited me to their house to play games. i would like to try to be social and gain more friends, yes. that seems like a worthwhile goal. i am not very good at keeping friends. only a select few people have weathered what it's like to associate with me. i dont want to call my coworker sleazy or anything, because i dont think that, but i DO think they are alloromantic and allosexual. which is cool for them, i dont descriminate for friends, but i am just... nervous. especially because i am unsure what to be looking for to KNOW if this is some sort covert sexual plot. i dunno. i hope im just spinning yarn in my mind.
update of da nows
season 2 of sopranos, 2/3rds (ep 51 as of writing) through wolf359, and, of course, malevolent threshold is out. sopranos is fine. i'm not really... i dunno. hooked. its something i put on in the background. i should probably just drop it. i dont know. i dont care about it. the only thing pushing me to finish it is because i started it. but i can reign that impulse in. as for wolf359, i really like the characters, and im planning on putting all of them into my second profile tomodachi life ltd island when that comes out (and pushing for heiffel. toxic yaoi scientist x experiment, fixation on humanity on a micro and macro level. foils. same voice actor. its peak), but the interpersonal drama is lowkey annoying to me sometimes. which is why LOVELACE is my goat shes the best fr fr she never pisses me off and everything she does is great. since im getting so close to finishing, ill need tofind ANOTHER podcast..
[03/21/2026] cat blog.txt
when a resource page gets too long, i split off a major chunk of it into a new page, like waht i did for activism and privacy. these distinctions also help me when sorting.
i finished i am in eskew. i had to reread the transcript to understand, but i think i got it. i think eskew loved david, but it was an unfathomable entity, and what love looked like to it was different then what a human would consider love, so it was torturous and caustic. not unlike us and our favorite characters, no? we are entities of infinite capabilities and will put our little freaks into situations because there are no shackles of the mind. we are eskew. david is our touys to play with
the dream sequences in the sopranos is genuinely... really good? the tone is comparable to breaking bad --- though, arguably so far, despite how.. yknow... tony soprano is, he seems... more there than walter white. im drawing the comparrison because what if breaking bad occasionally had ominious, realistic dream sequences with odd camera angles and lighting, confusing shots, weird audio. it feels out of place, but it's just good. i'm not that far in.
hl2vrai was fun! i was there live for the first episode. i dont know if ill keep watching live or wait for everything to be on youtube.
being a buttermind fan is torturous because you get to watch other buttermind fans complain about the lack of buttermind meanwhile you make up a significant portion of the ship tag and ao3 tag. feels personal TuT trying not to take it that way, though. its all in good fun.
update of da nows
finished I am in eskew. movign to wolf359. i listened to episode 1 years ago but never continued. i did the same thing to juno steel, and i finished that late last year, so its time to try wolf359 again.
[03/07/2026] cat mrward.txt
i remember when the dam broke and i cried during therapy. it was the first time i had admitted it allowed to anyone --- and no, it's not what you think. in retrospect, it shouldn't have been a big deal to me,
but it is what it is. the therapist, in turn, had no answer. he told me it was interesting and he hadn't heard this before. i appreciated the honesty at the very least, but that was one of the worst things he could say to me
i did not feel alone because i don't think i can feel that. if i do feel that, i don't know how to identify it. regardless, i knew that i was not alone. on this particular matter, i had researched it before thoroughly. to no avail, of course, as the armchair-ers always perscribed it to things i didn't have, to things that didn't make sense for me. so... it was frustrating to hear my therapist say that. it wasn't what i wanted to hear becaues it is exactly what i wanted to hear. my stuggle was novel, unique. Feeding into my ego. into me. painting me a martyr, saint of suffering. not something i was interested in festering, so i ignored his comments.
weeks later and weeks ago, in between sessions, i was on my porch, fiddling with my keys to unlock the door after i had gotten home from work. i had "I am in Eskew" playing out loud. as i searched for the correct key, David Ward began to monologue (as he's wont to do). it was exactly what i had cried about. what my therapist had never encountered. i paused to listen, hands stilling on my key ring. David understood. i, in turn, understood David.
sweet serendipity. podcasts have always had an eerie history with me, where a character always makes a comment that strikes me through the heart. i attribute it to good writing. but this one was too specific. so i lingered on my porch, the strays we feed circling my feet like vultures. there was no feeling of vindication or relief. just... appreciation, i guess. for being seen. for starting the dominoes that have led me to where i am now: acceptance.
update of da nows
so, obviously, i'm listening to "I am in Eskew". I'm not done yuet, but it's very short. i've already listened to Silt Verse --- fucking banger and fantastic, by the way. anyway. also started watching the sopranos. i'm in the fledging process. still giving it a few episodes to see if it hooks me. and my newest ST novel im reading is Demons. i'm in between games. I'm thinking of playing Scarlet Hollow, but also i've been tempted to start Baldurs Gate. All of my epic character ideas are too cool and awesome, so i'll probably just play Vincent, my half-orc eldritch knight fighter. I dunno. still have to decide....
[02/12/2026] cat blog_attempt_2.txt
ok. ifound a cool template (see template credit tab for where i got it) and decided to finally try blogging again. i whipped up some html css for a microblog type thing but it was lowkey shit from ass so i figured if i wanted to actuallyhave a blog id need to find someone who was good at hmtl for realisies and would be kind enough to share. so... here we are! i doubt i'll use this much...
update of da nows
my friend bought me look outside and we've been playing it together. it is alot of fun and i like the music and the art. i cant play by myself cause i get too scared. sam is kind maxxing #kind. my party:
